To Bear or Not to Bear

I have been known for being pretty adamant about not wanting to have children. I’ve heard all the condescending criticism about changing my mind when I find that someone special… blah, blah, blah. But the other day a friend from college messaged me to let me know his wife, also my friend, was pregnant. I immediately started crying. And I didn’t understand why.

I’m 35 years old, single and childless. And I have been ok with that. But lately, I have been wondering… what if I am going to want kids? What if I miss my chance? And no, I’m not going to rush out to freeze my eggs anytime soon. But it is making me think that I’m starting to race against time.

For me, having kids isn’t a selfish thing. It’s not about what I want. I don’t long to be a mother. It’s not something that I really ever imagined. But I’m realizing something and it’s really scaring the shit out of me. I think having kids is about sharing something so important with someone you love. Two people coming together and creating life from their love. Yeah, this might be something you all know… but it’s just hitting me. And it’s something I’m afraid I’ll miss out on.

This might be because there’s a person in my life that’s making me look to the future more than I ever have. But for whatever reason, it’s not working. At this moment I can’t imagine caring for someone as much as I do for him. I can’t imagine sharing my life, and possibly a family, with anyone else. Without him knowing, I have been questioning my whole theory on the kids thing.

I figure I have about 5 years before this decision will come off the table. I mean, if my health and body are holding up, maybe more. But suddenly that doesn’t seem like a lot of time. To meet someone that I love deeply enough to want to create a family… that doesn’t come around often. If you do the sad and pessimistic math there, I don’t have long. It took me a long time before I found this one person… if it takes that long again, I’ll surely miss the boat.

The frustrating part is that I’m starting to want these things… but as time goes on it is becoming less likely I will get them. I don’t want to have a kid for the sake of having a kid. I want to be able to share something with one person that I can’t share with anyone else. And it’s making me pretty sad to think I won’t.

I would really love to hear from people who started families later… met their significant others later. I really need some reassurance right about now.


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