I’m pretty much an open book. And I’m sure to many people I appear confident and strong. But the truth is, I’m an insecure mess.
Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m pretty terrific. But for some reason, when I’m in a relationship, I worry about being terrific enough for that person. As a consequence, I say and do things that create friction. I become passive aggressive. I say things I don’t mean in order to get a reaction. I become anxious. I write blog posts on the topic…
Sometimes it feels like I’m not even in control. This little monster just takes over and I lose my head. And then I make things worse. And the whole time I know this. I’m aware of it; I loathe myself for it. I just can’t stop it. I really think that my last few relationships ended because of my insecurity. Even if the person wasn’t good for me and I knew it, I wasn’t secure enough to walk away. My last relationship definitely put my insecurities to the test. And though I really thought I was improving, I was overcome by them and destroyed a truly good thing.
Until I am magically cured of this affliction, however, I just make an effort to be super conscious of it. I’m a work in progress… always trying to improve. Others may not see it, but I know I am.